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Post by twinpinesmt on Mar 25, 2006 14:29:37 GMT -5
I think we will all appreciate humor in this one!!
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern... I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!) I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!!!
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Post by twinpinesmt on Mar 26, 2006 14:40:54 GMT -5
Father passing by his daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.
It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Bill and he is so nice-even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Bill said that we will be very happy.
He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Bill taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Bill can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Mar 27, 2006 13:44:57 GMT -5
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple while he is on fire. Further studies are pending.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Mar 28, 2006 14:51:46 GMT -5
HOW MANY HORSEPERSONS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
WESTERN PLEASURE RIDERS: Oh, my God, someone fix that bulb, I have to have light so that my silver and spangles all glow to their best and so that all the highlighter on Old Peanut Head makes his nose look so smooth and sparkly and oh, my diamond studs have to flash in the light, you know, so oh, someone has to fix it. Oh, maybe you without all the silver on your saddle, obviously you can't ride, you can do it.
ENDURANCE RIDER: Light bulb? Do you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse/respiration/hydration levels down to respectable levels. Once that is done, I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light bulb.
DRESSAGE QUEEN: Change a light bulb? Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh, and wash your hands when you are finished. The very thought!
CLASSICAL DRESSAGE QUEEN: These things cannot be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with great patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of classical light bulb changing.
EVENTERS: Wuss! As soon as my arm is out of this sling broken after falling off at that large stone wall while riding Hell Bent for Leather cross country, I'll change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It'll put hair on your chest. Only dressage riders require lights, anyway.
SHOW JUMPER: Why on Earth would I need to change a light bulb when the whole world knows that the sun shines out of my butt. Why, when I release over a jump, the spectators are practically blinded.
HUNTER RIDER: Well, I'm waiting for my trainer to tell me exactly how but he's changing light bulbs somewhere else right now.
BACKYARD HORSEMAN: Do I have to do everything??!! Oh yeah, I do, don't I? I'll get to it as soon as I'm done mucking stalls, cleaning and filling the troughs, cleaning and filling the water buckets, stacking my hay, setting up for night feeding, cleaning my tack, picking out manure from the paddock, brushing and exercising the horses, and whatever else needs to be done.
NATURAL HORSEMAN: You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video set available at $179.00 on my Website). Once you have done this, you will find that there is really no need to change the light bulb at all, but that the light bulb will, with very little coaxing from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer") designed by me - $99.00 each, for extra $49.99 you get a introductory video thrown in) will behave as all good light bulbs should.
HOW MANY HORSES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
THOROUGHBRED: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of light bulbs! I'm outta here!
ARABIAN: Someone else do it. It might get my silky mane dirty and besides, who's gonna read me the instructions?
QUARTER HORSE: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want.
STANDARDBRED: Oh for Pete's Sake, give me the d**n bulb and let's be done with it.
SHETLAND: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we won't have to worry about it anymore.
FRIESIAN: I would, but I can't see where I'm going from behind all this mane.
BELGIAN: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then.
WARMBLOOD: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn't anyone realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing lightbulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it.
MORGAN: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I'm gonna do it! I know how, really I do! Just watch! My parole officer said it's okay, really! And when we're done we can go over to the neighbor's and chase their cats!
APPALOOSA: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't need to change the lightbulb, I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make that d**n Morgan stop jumping up and down before I double barrel him.
HAFLINGER: That thing I ate was a lightbulb?
PAINT: What color lightbulb would you like?
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Post by twinpinesmt on Mar 29, 2006 13:07:36 GMT -5
This is wild!!
Think of a letter between A and W. . .
. . . . Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. . . . . . . . Keep going . . . Don't stop . . . . . .
. . . Think of an animal that begins with that letter. . .
. . . . . Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. . . . . . . . . Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name . . . . . .
. Almost there........ . . . .
. . . Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down. . . . . . . . Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level . . . . . . . Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand . . . . Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name? . . . . . . .
. . Of course not...... . . . .Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games! . . . . Don't tell the secret to others, just send them this e-mail!
Smile & have a great day!
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Post by twinpinesmt on Mar 30, 2006 12:09:20 GMT -5
Words Women Use
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument, when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Mar 31, 2006 14:39:59 GMT -5
The Proper Way To Get Bucked Off A Horse!! -------------------------------------------------------------- There is a definite "classical" method one should strictly follow while one's horse is bucking 1. Ensure that you have an audience. There is absolutely no point in being decked by your horse unless there are, oh, say a hundred people around to watch. This way, you will have made them feel better about their own inadequacies, and you won't have to go into tedious detail explaining to everyone you know exactly how it happened. It is considered good form if at least one of the audience members is either: A. Someone you admire and want to impress; or B. Someone you despise and don't want to give any ammo to; or C. Someone you have the hots for and want to impress; or D. Your best friend, who will have no compunction in falling over,laughing and pointing. 2. Try to be spectacular. I mean, anyone can just get bucked off and land on their backside, can't they? You want to try to make this "the decking to end all deckings." The Titanic of bucks. You get the picture. Now, for this you will need the following: An extremely acrobatic horse - you want one of those twisty-turny jobbies last seen at the National Rodeo Championships; a supple back - you should practice omersaults, pirouettes and handstands at home; a hat- see, I can be sensible!!! 3. It is best if this buck comes at a time when everyone is watching you, but no-one is prepared for what is to come. During a dressage test is good. Your horse should be working nicely, giving no indication that you are about to become "the person who learned to fly." Of course, experts at this will point to the tail swishing, the ears twitching back, and the tension around the nostrils, but they are show-offs and should be ignored. To the uninitiated, this will look like a dramatic performance which you and your horse have practiced at home. 4. When the horse leaves the ground, and launches you into the air like a cannon ball, it is far more gratifying for the crowd if you can let out a blood-curdling yell. Kind of like William Wallace when they cut his, um, thingies off. Practice this at home. When the local rangers knock on your door, asking if you are keeping a wild cougar in your back yard, you will know you have it right. 5. You should try to stay elevated as long as possible. The longer the better. If your arms and legs fly in impossible directions, as if you were a rag doll, you will achieve additional marks for artistic impression. 6. When you land, try to do so with a thud! The kind of dull kind that you hear when you drop a melon from a great height. Try not to go "splat" - it puts the audience off their hamburgers. 7. Lie immobile for a while, as your horse runs off into the distance. After a suitable time, raise your head and groan : "you b****d". =-O > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] Surgeons General Warning: Horses are expensive, addictive, and may impair the ability to use common sense.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Apr 1, 2006 13:11:02 GMT -5
I WANNA BE A REINER.
Years ago I stepped astride A little chestnut and had a ride. On Mr. Fillmore's reining mare. I knew that's what I wanted, then and there.
If ever there was a Cadillac This was it, words I lack So smooth and balanced, around I sailed. Beside this, everything else just paled.
A Craig Johnson video, next I viewed My hair stood up, I "aahed" and "oohed" Yes, this was it, where do I sign Tomorrow the reining world is mine!
I gotta say, this is no cheap thrill It's been 13 years of wanting, and still I'm just a "learner" working on that slide. Life interferes, but still I ride…
I could not afford a sliding horse So I bought one to work on myself, of course Wishes aside, we never quite arrived. Onward and upward, now a new horse and I.
A move a little closer to the reining "hub" The sale of one horse, and a new horse to love Challenges of health, and a juggling of days. Still I wanna be a reiner, so I will find the ways.
Maybe this year, I'll find the time And the money and commitment, always towing the line. Just to enter a show, the goal closer than the start. Of being a reiner, the goal of my heart.
Who knows what the next ten years will bring The bumps and the curves, the ways of things Coach, wife, mother, typist, and trainer. But still……..I WANNA be a reiner…..
Dawn Casey
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Post by twinpinesmt on Apr 2, 2006 14:26:47 GMT -5
This was too cute to pass up...
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there .
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Cattle Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Pug: Zzzzzzz.
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
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Post by twinpinesmt on Apr 3, 2006 12:36:29 GMT -5
The latest ploy to defeat the Iraqis is to send in a team of West Texas Special Forces. Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo Boo, Scooter, Slick, Tex and Cooter are being sent in with their 1968 Ford four wheel drive pickup truck. They'll be given only the following information about the enemy:
1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like women, beer, pickup trucks, country music, barbecue or Jesus.
5. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
It should be over in about a week.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Apr 4, 2006 14:38:23 GMT -5
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! . He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour- dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them ".
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Apr 5, 2006 13:41:45 GMT -5
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet- red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty raining and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down! his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS! !!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story... We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Apr 7, 2006 13:28:07 GMT -5
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear"the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!
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Post by twinpinesmt on Apr 8, 2006 16:42:09 GMT -5
In case you needed further proof that the human race is seriously challenged, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sear's hairdryer: ....Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos: ....You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.) Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh?) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought? ...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Apr 9, 2006 15:41:49 GMT -5
New drugs for men.
DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new style from the beauty parlor. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
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