Joke a day.....

[WI8SecFan]

Having recently conducted interviews for two open positions in our department a few of these do not surprise me. I knew one candidate was in big trouble when by the third question I found myself wondering if he was serious or if he really did not want the job for some reason and was trying to blow the interview!

[twinpinesmt]

lol..or maybe he just wasnt that qualified. I deal with people like this almost every day. Makes me wonder some days.

[twinpinesmt]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit... it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[twinpinesmt]

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.


JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.



SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"



HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.



HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.




GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.




There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

[dairymary]

haha i love those....i say em all the time!

[twinpinesmt]

Hello, my name is Laura, and I suffer from the guilt of
not forwarding 50 billion f**k**g chain letters sent
to me by people who actually believe that if you
send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas
with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise
enough money to have it removed before her redneck
parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to
give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email $1000?

How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and
make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen
to run into the next day!"

What a bunch of bulls***!

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come
into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not
continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter
in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget
pilgrims on the Mayflower.

F**k 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send
me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send
this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor,
wretched excuse for a human being will somehow
receive a nickel from some omniscient being"
forwards about 90 times.

I don't f***ing care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what
you're actually contributing to by sending out these
forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's
threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for
the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny,
send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty
about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been
tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and
whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll
receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn
carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.

P.S. Send me 15 bucks

[twinpinesmt]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

[twinpinesmt]

What I Want in a Man, Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man,Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch,fart or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear (no poopy tracks)
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 75)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

[twinpinesmt]

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the
country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . . .

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here please!

[twinpinesmt]

HOW TO HANDLE STRESS

* Drive to work in reverse.

* Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.

* Make a list of things you have already done.

* Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

* Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.

* Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them
out.

* Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal
messages.

* When someone says "Have a nice day!" tell them you have
other plans.

* Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets
back to you.

* Thumb through the National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

* Put your toddlers clothes on backward and send her off to
preschool as if nothing is wrong.

* Get a box of condoms then wait in line at the checkout
counter and ask a cashier where the fitting rooms are.

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

* Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts
when they don't realize it.

* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.

* Try on bras over top of your clothes.

* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
restroom.

* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

* Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all
off and turn the volumes to "10."

* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

* Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the
other aisles.

* Put M&M's on layaway.

* Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and
ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.

* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

* Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the
restroom.

* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme
from "Mission Impossible."

* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

* In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with
various funnels.

* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through,
say things like "Pick me!! Pick me!!" and scare them into believing
that the clothes are talking to them.

* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that
you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in
it.

* Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we ' re
out of toilet paper in here!"

[twinpinesmt]

1. I don't do windows because.... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. (I am very compassionate.)

2. I don't wax floors because....I am terrified a guest will slip and hurt himself, and I'll feel terrible; and they might sue me. (I am careful and poor.)

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because... they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. (I am imaginative.)

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because...I want every creature to have a home of its own and my family loves spiders. (I am kind.)

5. I don't Spring Clean because....I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. ( I am fair minded.)

6. I don't plant a garden because... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer. (I am courteous.)

7. I don't put things away because.....my family will never be able to find them again. (I am considerate.)

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because....I don't want my guests to stress out over what to serve me when they invite me over for dinner.) (Always thinking of others)

9. I don't iron because....I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press." (I am trusting.)

10. I don't stress much over anything because "Type A" personalities die young and I want to stick around to become a wrinkled up crusty old gal!

[twinpinesmt]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor... "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers... cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
>>>>So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain... God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, and He made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper... Please Wake Me At 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said... It Is 5:00 AM. Wake Up.

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH, AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !

[twinpinesmt]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.


She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.

You should go into town and kick up your heels."


The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday
night.


One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[twinpinesmt]

Thought you might enjoy this....

Let's say a guy, named Roger, is attracted to a woman, named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving
home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh, six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind
of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ? I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am
I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this
person?
And Roger is thinking: So that means it was ? let's see, February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ? lemme check the odometer ? Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it-- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's
afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say; it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a d**n garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person; a person I enjoy being with; a person I truly do care about; a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self- centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a d**n warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled. ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so...'' (She breaks down, sobbing.) ''What?'' says Roger. ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'' ''There's no horse?'' says Roger. ''You think I'm terrible, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger, relieved to finally know what seems like a correct answer. ''It's just that... It's that I... I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with
one that he thinks might work.) ''Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says. ''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine. ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn. Meanwhile when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos and a beer, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back in the car but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger, among other things.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never bored, always fascinated. Meanwhile, Roger, just once, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, then frown, and say ''Norm, do you know if Elaine ever owned a horse?"

[twinpinesmt]

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted
a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip
through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up
old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said , "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday, the 12th. Due to the
condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

Please send your donations to the 'Think Before You Say Things to Your Wife
Foundation ."