Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 13, 2006 22:47:02 GMT -5
A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"
The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece.
Come look at them and take your pick."
The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmers cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.
The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow.
You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."
"What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow....
Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 14, 2006 14:04:18 GMT -5
sorry about the all caps...it was sent to me this way
> HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY: > > 1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR W/ SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN. > > 2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE. > > 3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT FRIES > WITH THAT. > > 4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN" > > 5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN > OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO. > > 6. WRITE "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS" IN THE MEMO LINE OF ALL YOUR CHECKS. > > 7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY." > > 8. DONT USE ANY PUNCTUATION > > 9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK. > > 10.ASK PEOPLE WHAT SEX THEY ARE. LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AFTER THEY ANSWER. > > 11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO". > > 12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA. > > 13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME. > > 14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA. PLAY A TAPE OF *JUNGLE* > SOUNDS ALL DAY. > > 15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY > BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD. > > 16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, ROCK HARD > KIM. > > 17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON!" "I WON!" "3RD TIME > THIS WEEK!!!!! > > 18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT, YELLING > "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!" > > 19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER, "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO > HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO." AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF > INSANITY....... > > 20. SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, EVEN IF THEY SENT > IT TO YOU OR ASKED YOU NOT TO SEND THEM STUFF LIKE THIS!
Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 18, 2006 13:00:31 GMT -5
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout "over! move over!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall". Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your pocket/purse and write a $200 check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See, sweety, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won first place, I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place"
4. Practice dialing you chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, frozen....
2.Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your best riding clothes and repeat to yourself "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is...."
THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: 1.Marry money!