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Post by cowboyup1991 on Jun 12, 2006 22:54:25 GMT -5
I dont know if this one has been posted yet or not but here it is
Holy Arthritis...
>> A drunk, who smelled of beer, sat down on a subway seat
>> next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
>> plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was
>> sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper
>> and began reading.
>>
>> After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
>> "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"
>> The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being
>> with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt
>> for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a
>> lack of personal hygiene."
>> The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and
>> returned to his paper.
>> The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently
>> on the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry . . . I should not
>> have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
>> "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just
>> reading here that the Pope does."
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Post by twinpinesmt on Jul 28, 2006 12:54:26 GMT -5
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a
sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same
speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse
is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as
you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly
dangerous situation?
If you do not know, scroll down to see answer below.
Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round!
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Post by twinpinesmt on Aug 6, 2006 13:27:33 GMT -5
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Post by twinpinesmt on Oct 27, 2006 12:18:43 GMT -5
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Post by rossco4worldchamp on Dec 22, 2006 15:31:12 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]30 Lines to make you smile:[/glow]
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead .
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
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Post by rossco4worldchamp on Dec 29, 2006 17:50:51 GMT -5
THE LADIES BATHROOM
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's rest room, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. " Sir," she said, "you may use the
ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the
wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he
had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,
WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW
and warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's rest rooms don't have nice
things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this
unbelievable pleasure. The ladies rest room was more than a rest
room, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't wait to push
the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
The next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed,
and a nurse was looking down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed.
"The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
The smirking nurse responded, "The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon
Remover. Your thingy is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN!
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Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 26, 2007 20:27:18 GMT -5
Medical Funnies
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
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Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 26, 2007 21:35:33 GMT -5
Do you shut your computer down at night??? Have you ever noticed when you use your computer first thing in the morning, the icons appear to be in a different place than when you left? Have you sensed that something goes on if you leave your computer on overnight? Well, when you go to bed at night and forget to shut down your computer, I think you ought to know what actually goes on. For the first time, someone has captured what takes place after you leave the room. Click below to check out why.... www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm |
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Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 31, 2007 13:31:21 GMT -5
FOUR LITTLE ANIMALS
(You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!)
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want Out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back and a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Mar 15, 2007 21:22:22 GMT -5
Tools and their real uses
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou ."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½
socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes
in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Mar 22, 2007 21:34:10 GMT -5
ENJOY.....
Unspoken rules of the Horse show industry
*Drive only a white Ford crew cab dually with matching 4Star, Elite or Sundowner 6 horse trailer that follows behind.
*Must have cell phone attached to head while ridding around the warm up pen- Must also be accompanied by leather case with some sort of sparkle/concho on it.
*You must wear your spurs at all times (especially while going into ritzy restaurants). You get bonus points if they spark!
*The only time you should lunge your unruly horse is right in the middle of the busy part of the day right in the center of the tiny & crowded
arena.
*You must always give trainers the right away. They have an invisible field that if you go in, you will die instantly.
*Make sure you tie your horse directly in the middle of the isleway. Get extra snippy when someone nicely asks to pass.
*Drink all day and night long. If you have under-age children, go ahead and tend them too.
*Party hard. Work harder.
*If you have a pair of boots on besides black, make sure your shirt and every other accessory is the same color. The brighter the; the
better!
*Bling-bling is the main thing.
*You must have a fabulous musical taste that ranges from Big N Rich (Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy), to Foghat (Slow Ride) to Mo Thugs (Ghetto Cowboy).
*Must be the last one out of the warm-up pen when the announcer is asking everyone to leave for the tractor to drag the arena. You get extra
points if the tractor has to stop for you.
*Make sure you and a buddy are side by side visiting with each other taking up as much space as you can in the center of the pen or on the rail
while everyone else is trying to lope circles with their horses. It gives everyone a great chance to practice passing.
*You must have the ringer on your phone set to the most loud & obnoxious tone available and when you receive a call yell into phone and give
all passerbys a dirty look when they "eavesdrop".
*Name your dog after some horse related brand, term or item.
*Starch everything.
AND MY FAVORITE??.(drum roll please)
If you can talk on your cell phone, while drinking a beer, smoking a cigarette and still manage a to fence your horse ... you have accomplished the ultimate goal and are considered one of the elite 'true' horse person.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Mar 22, 2007 21:34:33 GMT -5
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Apr 24, 2007 16:40:40 GMT -5
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Oh, and before we forget
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying
*!#@ YOU!
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Post by rossco4worldchamp on Jun 6, 2007 19:48:46 GMT -5
I don't know if this one is on here, but I found it comical:
I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that
out
of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, and
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get
ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every
day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case!!
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Post by rossco4worldchamp on Sept 29, 2007 14:13:18 GMT -5
I know there are other Wisconsinites out there!! And everybody else is just jealous!!!  YOU MIGHT BE A WISCONSINITE IF... * You define Summer as three months of bad sledding. * Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar. * Snow tires come standard on all your cars. * You refer to the Packers as "we." * At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm. * You can make sense out of the words upnort and Trivers. * You have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week. * You can identify a Michigan accent. * You know what "cow-tipping" is. * You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike. * "Down South" to you means Chicago. * Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee. * The "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee & PBR. * A brat is something you eat. * You were offended by the movie "Fargo." * You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat. * You have no problem spelling Milwaukee. * You consider Madison "exotic." * You got a passport to go to Minnesota. * Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers. * You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon. * You've seen a hodag. * You used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday. * You know that Gotham is a real city. * You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc. * You know what a bubbler is. * The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do. * Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your bluespruce. * You think there should be a "FIB go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Madison. * Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed. * A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer. * You go out for fish fry on every Friday. * You go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts. * When you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought that was part of Canada.' * Bernie Brewer is your idol because he gets to dive in a giant beer mug. * Your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July. * You know how to polka. * Your idea of diversity is having black, white, and brown cows. * You drink "soda" and refer to your dad as "pop." * Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap. * You tried to tap the "World's Largest Six Pack." * Your children describe their summer vacation out of state as a "trip to Door County." * You are unaware there is a legal drinking age. * You have to go to Florida to get a tan in August. * You have caught a fish in Lake Michigan and it glowed in the dark. * You define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend. * Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost. * You know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it. * You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, and Poland all in one afternoon. * You have more fishing poles than teeth... * You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend. * You have been involved in a "drive-by hay bailing." * You understand all these jokes and pass them on to all your Wisconsin friends.
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