Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 20, 2006 20:03:20 GMT -5
I AM a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of Horse-aholic Anonymous.
Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and don't really need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a horse-aholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a HA meeting for help. HA is here to assist you.
I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.
1. Can you say "sheath" in public without blushing? 2. Do you drive a big truck with a towing package when everyone else drives a real car? 3. Do you have more than one vehicle? One for you and one for the horses? 4. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, clinics and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise? 5. If you do go overseas, is it to a riding vacation in Ireland or to Spruce Meadows to watch the Grand Prix? 6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust? 7. Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly scraped boots? 8. Is your interior decorator State Line Tack? 9. Was your furniture and carpeting chosen with your horses in mind? 10. Are your end tables really tack trunks with tablecloths thrown over them? 11. Do you know the meaning of poll? 12. Is your mail made up primarily of horse catalogs and horse magazines? 13. Do you get up before dawn to ride? Go to horse shows? Clinics? [but have trouble getting up for "work?"]. 14. If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those pockets often contain bits of carrot, hay, or sweet feed? 15. When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of horse they have and pity them if they don't have one? 16. Do you remember the name of their horse sooner than you remember their name? 17. Do you find non-horse people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope. If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good horses and it will never be boring.
Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 21, 2006 16:20:14 GMT -5
For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of truth! >> >>When you are sad,............. >>I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge >>against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad. >> >>When you are scared,......... >>I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get. >> >>When you are worried,......... >>I will tell you how much worse it could be and >>to quit complaining. >> >>When you are confused,........ >>I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. >> >>When you are sick......... >>I will hold your hair while you pay homage to >>the porcelain god. >> >>When you fall...... >>I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. >> >>This is my oath............... >>I pledge till the end. >> >>Why you may ask?....... ........ >>Because you're my friend. >> >>Send to ten of your closest friends and you will win the Lottery. >>(Don't believe that last line about the lottery nuts.)
Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 22, 2006 13:40:01 GMT -5
Some I've seen before, others are new.... > > YOUR DAILY DOSE OF ZEN > > 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for > I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell > alone. > > 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky > tire. > > 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your > neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. > > 4. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. > > 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. > > 6. No one is listening until you fart. > > 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. > > 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. > > 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning > to others. > > 10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities > without your help. > > 11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car > payments. > > 12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. > That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their > shoes. > > 13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. > > 14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and > he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. > > 15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was > probably worth it. > > 16. Don't squat with your spurs on. > > 17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. > > 18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. > > 19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. > > 20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. > > 21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from > bad judgment. > > 22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it > back in your pocket. > > 23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 24, 2006 18:10:00 GMT -5
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:-----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in your getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 25, 2006 22:06:36 GMT -5
For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage:
TWO-YEAR DEGREE A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn a MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers
Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective) (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 26, 2006 14:25:45 GMT -5
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks. This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occurred, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, nuts".
Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Post by twinpinesmt on Jan 27, 2006 18:21:16 GMT -5
Who understands men?
1. The nice men are ugly. 2. The handsome men are not nice. 3. The handsome and nice men are gay. 4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. 5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. 6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. 7. The handsome men without money are after our money. 8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. 9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards. 10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!! 11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN? Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!