Joke a day.....

[twinpinesmt]

The Horse's Advantage Over Men

If they don't work out you can sell them.
They don't come with in-laws.
You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
You never have to iron their saddle pads.
If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
They smell good when they sweat.
You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
They don't want their turn at the computer.
They turn white with age, but not bald.
They've never *heard* of PMS.
They learn to accept restraint.
They love to go trail riding.
They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.

[twinpinesmt]

HOW MANY RIDERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

WESTERN PLEASURE RIDERS:
Oh, my God, someone fix that bulb, I have to have light so that my silver and spangles all glow to their best and so that all the highlighter on Old Peanut Head makes his nose look so smooth and sparkly, and oh,
my diamond studs have to flash in the light, you know, so oh, someone has to fix it -- oh, maybe you without all the silver on your saddle, obviously you can't ride, you can do it.

ENDURANCE RIDER:
Light bulb? Do you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse /respiration/hydration levels down to respectable levels. Once that is done, I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light bulb.

DRESSAGE QUEEN:
Change a light bulb? Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh, and wash your hands when you are finished. The very thought!

CLASSICAL DRESSAGE QUEEN:
These things cannot be rushed, but must be approached slowly, withgreat patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of classical light bulb changing.

EVENTER:
Wuss! As soon as my arm is out of this sling broken after falling off at that large stone wall while riding Hell Bent for Leather cross-country, I'll change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It'll put hair on your chest. Only dressage riders require lights, anyway.

SHOW JUMPER:
Why on Earth would I need to change a light bulb when the whole world know that the sun shines out of I disagree. Why, when I release over a jump, the spectators are practically blinded.

NATURAL HORSEMAN:
You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video set available at $179.00 on my Website). Once you have done this, you will find that there is really no need to change the light bulb at all, but that he light bulb will, with very little coaxing from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer" designed by me - $99.00 each, for extra $49.99 you get a introductory video thrown in) will behave as all good light bulbs should.

HUNTER RIDER:
Well, I'm waiting for my trainer to tell me exactly how but he's changing light bulbs somewhere else right now.

[twinpinesmt]

Auction: A popular place where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset

Barn Sour: An affliction common to horse people in Northern climates during winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating the ice out of frozen water buckets tends to bring on this condition ratherrapidly.

Bog Spavin: The feeling of panic when riding through a marshyarea. Also to refer to horses who throw hissy fits when asked to go through water puddles.

Colic: The gastrointestinal result of eating at food stands at horse shows.

Colt: What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.

Contracted Foot: The involuntary/instant reaction of curling ones toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.

Corn: Small callouse like growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots.

Endurance Ride: The end result when your horse desides that he's the boss not you. Also what happens when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.

Feed: Expensive sbstance utilized in the manufacturing of large quantities of manure.

Fences: Decorative perimeter structures built to give your horse something to chew on, scratch against, run through, or jump over (also see inbreeding)

Flies: The excuse of choice your horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off, or knock you over. He can not be punished for this.

Founder: The discovery of your loose mare, some miles from home, usually in a flower bed, neighbores newly seeded yard, or a corn field. Used like.. "Hey Honey, I found'er."

Gallop: The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn.

Gates: Wooden or metal structures built souly to amuse horses.

Green Broke: The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the bill from the Big Name Trainer.

Grooming: The art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to one's own body.

[twinpinesmt]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half
wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a
warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by
past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like (almost any country ) - ruled by a dick.

[twinpinesmt]

"The Senility Prayer"

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing and still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .
5. All reports are in -- life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few . . .
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere!
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18.. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT! Now I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe it was 10, oh heck, send it to a bunch of you're friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen --- I think. Maybe you get your memory back.

[twinpinesmt]

Tips For Red Necks...


IN GENERAL

1. Never take a adult beverages to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back more adult beverages.

5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession

[twinpinesmt]

You might be from the country if...
>
>
> ...Your relaxing Sunday drives include a tour of
> the local tractor dealer
> to
> see what's new... even though they are closed.
>
> ...your 2 year old son knows the names of the John
> Deere tractors, Bobcat
> loaders and the hay balers at the tractor dealer.
>
> ...you slow down for a farm tractor on the hiway
> and you know who is driving it.
>
> ...you see livestock out on the hiway and you stop
> and put them back in, because you know who they
belong to and hope they would treat you the same.
>
> ...your idea of taking a walk includes pulling down
> branches so your goats can have a treat of tree
leaves that are usually out of their reach.
>
> ...you know what a *ripe* Tomato tastes like when
> picked and eaten right in the garden.
>
> ...taking out the garbage means a treat for your
> goats.
>
> ..."We're out of milk" means a trip to the barn,
> not a trip to the store.
>
> ...your children fear the Sheriff, not because of
> his power, but because he knows you, and your
parents, and grandparents, and uncles, and aunts, and
> he knows where you live so there is no point in ever
> trying to outrun the sheriff.
>
> ...you thought the movie "BEST IN SHOW" was
> really about your favorite breed of livestock, and
they just used dogs so as to not offend your friends
and competitors.
>
>
> We are truly blessed to live in the country.
>
>
> written by
> Paul & Rhonda Hamby
>
> August 2002

[twinpinesmt]

4 Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes money.

2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and show you a good time.

3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

4. It is important that these three men never meet.

[twinpinesmt]

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time
TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.



Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US

Treasury.



Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear

better.



Coca-Cola was originally green.



It is impossible to lick your elbow.



The state with the highest percentage of people who walk
to work: Alaska



The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%



The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of

eleven: $6,400



The average number of people airborne over the US any

given hour: 61,000



Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their

hair.



The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in

China in 1910.



The youngest pope was 11 years old.


The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.



Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile

National Monuments.



Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great

king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne,

Clubs - Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar



111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321



If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both

front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the

horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a

result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all

four legs on the ground, the person died of natural

causes.



"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English

language.



Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that

makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.


Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace


Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most

popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession



Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you

have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand



Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield

wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.



Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey



Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other

day of the year?

A. Father's Day



Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny)
is the most ironic?

A. He was allergic to carrots.



Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a

party?

A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.



In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed

frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress

tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the

phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."



It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago

that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father

would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could

drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was

lunar based, this period was called the honey month we

know today as the honeymoon.



In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in

old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender

would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and

settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's

and Q's"



Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle

baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When
they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some

service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this

practice.



In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled

Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF

entered into the English language.



~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~



At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick

their elbow.

[twinpinesmt]

If Horses Were In High School:

Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those
muscles, showing off their butts. Not real bright. But get passed on
since they are responsible for all the trophies in the glass cases.
(Paints-just QH with too much make up on)

Thoroughbreds: Preppies. They are athletes, never 'jocks'. Monogrammed
blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer
and tack.

Connemaras: Gorgeous chicks with sultry eyelashes, sexy curves,
devil-may-care attitudes. NOT into studying or anything to do with
geometry. Great fun to be around, delightful senses of humor, and the
world's best pranksters. Can usually be found in the nearest pub,
entertaining the masses.

Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to drop acid so they
can watch their spots move.

Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)

Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and any
color of the rainbow. Gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.

Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique.
Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the
eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.

Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing
everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the
bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.

Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit
in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to
STOP them?

Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrelly geeks who flit
around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear
Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas??).

Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign
exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.

Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek.
Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to
the bathroom.

Warmbloods: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses
withrighteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were having
half as much fun as everyone else.

[twinpinesmt]

Benefits of sex!!!!!!!!!!!



You've gotta read this. It's hilarious!
Be sure to read the warning at the bottom.






Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not?





1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.





2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and
makes your skin glow.





3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.


4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!





5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into
the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with
a feeling of well-being.





6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!





7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.





8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that
causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.





9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.





10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.





This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original
is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now
sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four
days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you
don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your
life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall
off.
This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex
(who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has
no price.
Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in ! 96
hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days. Since the
copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are
not superstitious. GOOD SEX, but please remember: 10 copies of this
message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours or you will not have good sex again.

[HThrash]

$6,400 to a raise dog to age 11...Now I know where our money is going!!!

[twinpinesmt]

rotflmao....try having 5 dogs, 13 or so cats, 55 gal fish tank, 12 or so horses, 3 llamas, 1 goat, 1 donkey, green cheek conure.....LOL

[twinpinesmt]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more beer for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[cowgirl4life30]

What if it's hard for you to say some of that stuff when you're sober??? Boy, I'm in trouble... and before you (BC, Terri, Nat, Mary, etc) read into this the wrong way I ment the first two categories, NOT the last one!