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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 8, 2006 22:19:56 GMT -5
lol...you arent the only one (in the first two catagories) that have a hard time saying some of those things
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 9, 2006 20:08:23 GMT -5
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. Friday night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder now days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. You read about all these terrorists - - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, go compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
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Post by wycowboy on Feb 10, 2006 0:53:34 GMT -5
Ok, a guy walks in a bar and says................. give me a beer!! LOL
Ok, I know I'm bad at jokes but I try. lol.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 10, 2006 13:27:09 GMT -5
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 10, 2006 13:29:00 GMT -5
#rofl79#
#naughtywag#
#mfr_lol#
Now come one we know you can do better #shave#
hehehe
Tina
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Post by dairymary on Feb 10, 2006 17:33:17 GMT -5
tina i love that joke everytime i hear it!!!!
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 11, 2006 14:45:56 GMT -5
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100% ?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100% ?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
BULLSHIT
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. And look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE, HUH?
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Post by dairymary on Feb 11, 2006 20:13:04 GMT -5
ok aj..i got one like that
a guy walks into a bar and says.............................ouch
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Post by wycowboy on Feb 12, 2006 2:07:30 GMT -5
That's good. LOL.
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Post by TNBullRidinGirl on Feb 12, 2006 10:13:01 GMT -5
A horse walked into a bar and the bartender asked why suck a long face? ahahahaha #mfr_lol# #EXCITE122# #monkeydance# #rofl79# #bananarider#
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 12, 2006 13:52:59 GMT -5
How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
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Post by TNBullRidinGirl on Feb 12, 2006 18:08:25 GMT -5
Lol that's a good one.
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Post by wycowboy on Feb 13, 2006 0:19:21 GMT -5
I heard that one a while ago. Good one. lol.
A Cow walks into McDonald's and says......................................... give me a milk shake. Stupid I know. lol. I try, I really, really do.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 13, 2006 13:23:24 GMT -5
#rofl79# #mfr_lol#
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 13, 2006 13:25:41 GMT -5
RESIGNATION
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........
......"Tag! You're it."
Pass this to someone and brighten their day by helping them remember the
Simple things in Life.
((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Hope Ya'll join me !
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