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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 14, 2006 21:17:37 GMT -5
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with
my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
> >>
> >>Rule #8:
> >>Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one
knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.
Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 15, 2006 13:44:25 GMT -5
What Horses Teach You...
What sounds reasonable before you own your own horse...
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
What sounds reasonable after you own your own horse...
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in the woods, and we need to leave NOW.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react let me teach you that herbivore's kick MUCH faster than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that's why.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness, GI complaint, and skin disease.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those lions in the woods.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200lbs of YAHOO-let's-go event horse can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.
When you are tired, don't forget the 600lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services, additional".
When you need to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.
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isalldunn
Amateur
Fresno 8 Second Fantasy Winner
Posts: 29 
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Post by isalldunn on Feb 16, 2006 9:24:30 GMT -5
Are you OKIE too?
You are 100% Oklahoman if:
1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are
sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go outin the yard and look
for a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on
the highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by
the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm about 5 minutes away.")
11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in
an airplane crash.
13. Little smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding
date.
18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your
fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a
four- way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other
go first.
20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and in which state "Miam-ee" is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all
in the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin" to send them to your
friends.
27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this
conversation: "You wanna Coke?" Yeah." "What kind?"
"Dr Pepper"
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Post by HThrash on Feb 16, 2006 12:48:46 GMT -5
Yep!! Definitly an Okie!! And proud of it!!
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 16, 2006 14:37:50 GMT -5
14 Things PMS Stands For:
1.) Pass My Shotgun
2.) Psychotic Mood Shift
3.) Perpetual Munching Spree
4.) Puffy Mid-Section
5.) People Make me Sick
6.) Provide Me with Sweets
7.) Pardon My Sobbing
8.) Pimples May Surface
9.) Pass My Sweatpants
10.) Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.) Plainly; Men Suck
12.) Pack My Stuff
13.) Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
and the best...
14.) Potential Murder Suspect
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 17, 2006 13:47:33 GMT -5
DEFINITION OF A HORSE-LOVING WIFE.....
EASY TO LOCATE She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
UPHOLDS THE DOUBLE STANDARD Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
OWNS ONE VACUUM CLEANER and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, providing the party is given by another horsey wife. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
ECONOMY MINDED Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
A CULINARY PERFECTIONIST Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave.
OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.
EASY TO OUTFIT No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tackstore.
FEATURES A SELECTIVE SENSE OF SMELL Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
UNMISTAKABLE IN A BATHING SUIT She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists.
A DEDICATED CLUB WOMAN as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
HAS YOUR LEISURE AT HEART Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
A MASTER AT MULTIPLICATION She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
KEEPS AN EAGLE EYE ON THE BUDGET Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on a tie.
AN ENGAGING CONVERSATIONALIST Can rattle on endlessly about training.
SOCIALLY AWARE Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A MOVING FORCE IN THE FAMILY House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job).
EASY TO PLEASE A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
SENTIMENTAL FOOL Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (takenbefore you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
SHOWS HER AFFECTION IN UNUSUAL WAYS If she pats you on the neck and says ,"you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*******************************************************
A HORSE'S VIEW OF THE WORLD.....
Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissue of the mouth
Bucking: counterirritant
Crossties: gymnastic apparatus
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication
Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength
Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den
Hot walker: The lesser of two evils
Jump: And opportunity for self-_expression
Latch: Type of puzzle
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply
Trainer: Owner with mob connections
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 18, 2006 15:11:14 GMT -5
CLASSIFIED ADS ~ DEFINITIONS:
Event Prospect..........Big, Fast Horse
Dressage Prospect.......Big, Slow Horse
Hack Prospect...........Pretty Color
Sporting Prospect.......Short, Fast Horse
Eventing Prospect.......Ugliest head you ever saw
Camp Prospect...........Fast Horse which can turn
Endurance Prospect......Fast Horse which will turn sometimes
Flashy..................White Socks
Attractive............. Bay
15.2hh..................14.3h
16.2hh..................15.3hh
To Loving Home Only.....Expensive
To Show Home Only.......Very Expensive
Needs Experienced Rider...........Potentially Lethal
Elegant.................Thin
In Good Condition.......Foundered
Free Moving.............Bolts
Quiet...................Lame in Both Front Legs
Dead Quiet..............Lame in All Four Legs
Good in Traffic (Bombproof)................Lame all Round, Deaf and
Blind
Loves Children..........Kicks and Bites
Pony Type...............Small and Hairy
Arab Type...............Looks startled
TB Type.................Looks Terrified
Quarter Horse Type......Fat
Warmblood Type..........Big and Hairy
Draught Type............Big and Exceedingly Hairy
Easy to Catch...........Very Old
All OffersConsidered................I am in Traction for 6 months
Loves to jump.........Bolts at fences
To loving home..............only love will keep you from shooting
him
Started under saddle.............put saddle on once, started to
buck, never tried it again
Serious inquiries only.............you will need to rob three banks
and sell your spouse and all of you kids to afford him
Professionally trained.................only a professional can ride
him
Loves kids................finds them very tasty, has one for
breakfast, lunch, dinner , and a snack each day
Has three great gaits.............rooted to the ground, flying
backwards off the trailer, and galloping out of control
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Post by TNBullRidinGirl on Feb 18, 2006 20:55:26 GMT -5
LOL. That will help me next time I am lookin for a horse.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 19, 2006 10:10:51 GMT -5
Notice to people who visit my home.
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your
point?
4. OF COURSE he smells like a dog.
5. It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff
his.
6. I like him a lot better than I like most people.
7. To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted son who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with
any of these things.
8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the
time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry
about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell
the pups.
9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you... until
you're asleep.
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Post by HThrash on Feb 19, 2006 13:26:19 GMT -5
Did you just describe the Thrasher household?
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 19, 2006 15:04:33 GMT -5
lol...now add 5 dogs, 3 cats, conure, 55 gallon fish tank...and you have my house.
With the occasional lamb/calf/goat in the house too....
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 21, 2006 16:00:40 GMT -5
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but
the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 22, 2006 13:34:37 GMT -5
How to count cows....
DEMOCRATIC:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you
voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with
milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to
sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATE:
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an
IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four
cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing
expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATE:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You
go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATE:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel
on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at
cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATE:
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots
of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATE:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling
around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATE:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows
and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in
the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows
you really have.
TALIBAN :
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk
them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best
looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for
the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for
neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a
bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 23, 2006 13:10:12 GMT -5
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MONTANA IF..
You have an e-mail address that includes the words "fishing" or
"hunting" or gun
You know someone who's shot themselves or a friend accidentally.
You know Evel Knievel and you think he's a jerk not a role model
you have combed the frost out of your hair in the morning after you
walked to school
You have broken ski's because it was so cold that they snap when you
hit a mogul
the porch collapses and three of your best dogs are trapped
you keep an extra vehicle around "just for parts"
your senior keg lasted more than two days and had a live band
80 miles per hour on the freeway seems kind of slow
when you hear the word season, you think "hunting, fishing and
duck."
you have ever lost a pet to a mountain lion
you know at least three good beer drinking games
you ride your snowmobile more than your motercycle
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor
and combine crew on the highway.
"Vacation" means driving through Glacier or Yellowstone Park or
going "back to school" shopping in Billings.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were
popular.
You measure distance in miles. Not minutes.
You've been to a tractor rally.
Down south to you means Wyoming.
Minneapolis is "back East"
Washington is "the coast"
You know people who have hit deer, elk, moose or cattle.
You know who has to pay for the damage to your logging truck and
the dead cow when you hit one.
Your school classes were cancelled because of cold, but only when
it was -40 F or colder and the schools boiler ran out of coal.
You drive 100 miles out of your way for a Pickle Barrel, Pastie or
Pork Chop Johns.
You know what a red beer and a whiskey ditch are.
You think the best beers available on the market today are Ranier,
Oly, and Coors.
You're still mad that Great Falls Select is no longer made.
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one
in it no matter what time of the year.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:
"Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."
You often reply "you bet!" or "hell yes!"
All the festivals across the state are named after fruits,
vegetables,grain or testicles.
You've gotten a "To Go" drink from the local bar.
You've stopped by the local bar to cash a check.
You install security lights on your house and barn and leave both
unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and
Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what "Cow Tipping", "Garden Raiding" or "Snipe Hunting"
are.
You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You understand that it is simply not proper to put ketchup or steak
sauce on a good steak.
You know someone who's lost their license due to a DUI and have
seen their tractor or snowmobile parked at the local bar.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You've gone to the grocery store on a snowmobile.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
Driving in the winter is often simply a matter of staying between
the fence posts.
You think that washing your pickup is a waste of time and money.
You have never owned a vehicle that did not have cracks in the
windshield.
You think everyone from a bigger city is stuck up.
You get a little claustraphobic when you're in a "big city" like
Missoula and their traffic is "just awful, you wouldn't believe it".
You've attempted to set new land speed records on Montana's
highways.
You think sexy winter lingerie is a flannel nightie and tube socks.
You know how many cords of wood it will take to get through the
winter.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one
page but requires 6 pages for High School Sports.
You think that the opening of elk season should be a national
holiday.
You carry a roll of toilet paper in the glove box in case you have
to stop and go by the road.
You radio antenna is an old clothes hanger or piece of baling wire.
You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly"
You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and
Construction.
You know what a real Rocky Mountain Oyster is, and have a recipe
for them.
You know what a Pasty is.
You know how to properly pronounce the capital of Montana, the
capital of South Dakota and the state of Oregon.
Driver's Education was a joke for you and all your classmates since
you all had been driving since you were 10.
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Montana
friends.
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Post by twinpinesmt on Feb 24, 2006 14:35:48 GMT -5
Dear Horses:
When I say "whoa" it means stop whatever you are doing and STAND STILL. I notice you have no trouble whatsoever doing this when you are having a particularly vivid daydream or are trying to figure out where the sound of a snack wrapper is coming from. So would it kill you to cease all forward, sideways, upward and/or backward movement for a few moments when I ask? Be a sport.
And speaking of snacks, I am not a magician. There is NOT a candy factory in each of my sleeves and a carrot farm in each of my pockets. When they're gone, they're gone, and no amount of chewing on my clothes, hands and hair will generate more. Neither will pawing to China. But I hope you still like me, anyway.
The gate is easy for us both to go through, if we go through in the following order: Me. The lead rope. Your head, then your neck, then your shoulders, torso, butt and tail. Going through it is much harder if you do it in the following, incorrect order: your right side. Your left side. Pivoting, your head. The lead rope. Me. You again. Me again.
You DO know how the poopie got on your food. Quit looking at me like that.
Please understand that when I grab your mouth and yank it open and invite a person with a file to grind your teeth down...when I douse you with a hose or run a strange, buzzing machine all over your body that makes your fur itchy and short just when you wanted it long and soft...when I put a stupid mesh hat on you and spray you with chemicals...this means "I love you".
Rules for non-horsemen who complain about my horses:
1. The smell is BEAUTIFUL. It is one of Nature's finest smells. If you don't like it, save yourself some trouble and don't come over to my house or get into my car.
2. If you prefer a lifestyle free of shedding hairs, sprays of snot, random slobberings or natural, organic fertilizer in your shoes, you may not be my kind of person.
3. I like my horse a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a horse. To me, she's a family member who is big, hairy, walks on all fours and is easily startled.
5. Horses are better than babies. They can amuse themselves all day long, they make much less noise, their sh*t is nowhere near as gross, and THEY carry YOU around.
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