Joke a day.....

[twinpinesmt]

Glossary of Horse Terms

Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.

Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big trail ride.

A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.

Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.

Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.

Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.

Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.

Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.

Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.

Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.

Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.

Colic: Gastro-intestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.

Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.

Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.

Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.

Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".

Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.

Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.

Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.

Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.

Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.

Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.

Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.

[twinpinesmt]

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained,and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting
transparent sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.

39. Vow to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the thing for you.

[twinpinesmt]

18 Reasons Riding is Better than Sex


18- You don't have to sneak your riding magazines into the house.

17- If you are having trouble with riding, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

16- The Ten Commandments don't say anything about riding.

15- If your trainer takes pictures or videotapes of you riding, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.

14- Your horse won't keep asking questions about other horses you've ridden.

13- It's perfectly respectable to ride a horse you've never met before, just once, or, ride many horses in the same day, whether you know them or not.

12- When you see a really good horse, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining riding him.

11- If your regular horse isn't available, he/she won't object if you ride another horse.

10- Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you ride by yourself.

9- When dealing with a riding trainer, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

8- You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy riding stuff.

7- You can have a riding calendar on your wall at the office, tell riding jokes and invite co-workers to ride with you without getting sued for harassment.

6- There's no such thing as a Riding Transmitted Disease.

5- If you want to watch horses on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel (but you might need a video tape).

4- Nobody expects you to promise to ride the same horse for the rest of your life.

3- Nobody expects you to give up riding if your equine partner loses interest in the sport.

2- You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of riding.

1- Your horse will never say, "What? You just rode me last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

[twinpinesmt]

A group of scientists sat around one morning having coffee and came
up with the conclusion that humans are the intelligent species...
that homo sapiens are far superior in brain power to all of the
world`s other creatures.

My unscientific brain got to thinking about this.About how the world
could or would be if we acted and thought more like horses.

This is what I came up with:

That we (mares) should sit at the kitchen table when our new Horse
magazines came and pick out our men (stallions). These stallions
would only be the best that were allowed to reproduce: Good Looking,
Intelligent, Athletic, Healthy and Excel in a discipline. And, we
could pick out a different stallion every year without earning a bad
reputation.

That we should be allowed to roam around all day and eat (graze),
nap, enjoy the outdoors, and socialize with our buddies as pretty
pasture ornaments with all our needs taken care of by someone else.

That "fat" would be considered a desirable asset & prove that we
are "easy keepers." That we should be waited on, our rooms cleaned
for us & an "all you can eat" buffet before us every day.

That we should get new shoes or a pedicure every 5 to 6 weeks & get
our hair done daily.

That we should be chauffeured around when we need to go somewhere in
an expensive vehicle designed just for us...oh, and with food in
front of us while we travel.

That once our babies are weaned, they can`t move back home.

That we should have better clothes, grooming supplies, living
conditions and medical care than the people who take care of us.
Okay, scientists, now who is really smarter???

[twinpinesmt]

Why Women are Crabby:

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our "periods" in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemarys Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little...

[twinpinesmt]

Might offend some...I hope not....

On a tour of Montana, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless man, wearing sandals, hawaiian shorts, a save-the-whales tee shirt and a tree-hugger hat was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One ran up and quickly fired a 44 mag into the bear's chest. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding semiconscious man from the bear.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and hauled it to their truck. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists. But now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God, and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to go back to Missoula and grab another one?"

[twinpinesmt]

A WOMAN'S (REAL) PRAYER:
>
> Now I lay me Down to sleep.
> I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
> Please no wrinkles Please no bags
> And please lift my butt Before it sags.
> Please no age spots Please no gray
> And as for my belly, Please take it away.
> Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,
> And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done.
>
> Five tips for a woman....
>
> 1. It is important that a man helps you round the house and has a job.
>
> 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
>
> 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to
> you.
>
> 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
>
> 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
>
> "ESTROGEN ISSUES" (10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES")
>
> 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
>
> 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
>
> 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
>
> 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
>
> 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
> says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"
>
> 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
>
> 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
>
> 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than SuperPlus.
>
> 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
>
> 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
>
> TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
>
> 10. Cat's facial expressions.
>
> 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
>
> 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
>
> 7. Fat clothes.
>
> 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
>
> 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
>
> 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
>
> 3. Eyelash curlers.
>
> 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
>
> AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
>
> 1. OTHER WOMEN
>
> Foot Note:
> One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some
> support soon, people will think we're nuts."
>
> Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day.
> WE ALL NEED TO SMILE !!!

[twinpinesmt]

Subject: Montana Tourist Information Guidelines

Due to frequent misunderstandings when Easterners cross into our state, the Montana Tourism Council adopted a set of guidelines in an effort to help outsiders understand Montana.

The following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That rancher standing next to the barn did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get the hell out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn-fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked-by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $! 600 Roves Fly Rod. Just don't cry to us if a massive trout breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little guppies you fish for-bait.

6. Pull your pants up-you look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a herd of elk is approaching during hunting season, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only 5 bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

11. So you have a $60,000 car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines we use two weeks a year.

12. Yeah, we eat Elk. Deer too. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the! bait shop.

13. They are cattle. That's what they smell like. Get over it.

14. Yes, every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

[twinpinesmt]

> > >INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >AMAZING CONCLUSION:
> > >
> > >
> > >The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
> > >become.

[HThrash]

That last one was a doozy.. I loved it!!!

[twinpinesmt]

> > A WARNING FOR ALL MEN
> > >
> > > Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, pubs,
> > > and other party-places,
> > > to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink
> > > by any woman. A date
> > > rape drug on the market called "beer" is being used
> > > by many females to
> > > target unsuspecting men.
> > >
> > > The drug is generally found in liquid form and is
> > > available almost anywhere.
> > > It comes in bottles, cans, and in large-quantity
> > > containers known as "kegs".
> > >
> > > Beer is used by female sexual predators to persuade
> > > their male victims to go
> > > home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman
> > > needs only to persuade a
> > > guy to consume a few units of the beer and then
> > > simply ask him home for
> > > no-strings-attached sex. Most men are rendered
> > > helpless against this
> > > approach.
> > >
> > > After several beers, men will often succumb to
> > > desires to perform sex acts
> > > with horrible looking women to whom they would never
> > > otherwise be attracted.
> > > After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy
> > > memories of exactly
> > > what happened to them the night before, but with a
> > > vague feeling that
> > > something bad has occurred.
> > >
> > > Other times these unfortunate men are swindled out
> > > of their life's savings
> > > in a follow-up scam known as "a relationship". It
> > > has been reported that,
> > > in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd
> > > enough to entrap the
> > > unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of
> > > servitude and punishment
> > > referred to as "marriage".
> > >
> > > Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this
> > > scam after beer is
> > > administered and sex is offered by the predatory
> > > female.
> > >
> > > PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING TO EVERY MALE YOU KNOW!
> > >
> > > If you or someone you know has fallen victim to this
> > > insidious "beer" and
> > > the predatory women administering it, please be
> > > advised that there are male
> > > support groups in many towns where details of
> > > shocking encounters may be
> > > discussed in an open, frank, supportive manner with
> > > similarly affected men.
> > > For the support group nearest you, refer to the
> > > "Golf Courses" section in
> > > your local yellow pages.

[twinpinesmt]

Thinking of dating a horsewoman? Please read the following carefully:

Easy to Locate.- She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
Upholds the double standard - Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.
Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A social butterfly - providing the party is given by another horsey woman.
Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
Economy minded - Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
A culinary perfectionist - Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.
Occasionally amorous - but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chap stick.
Eas! y to outfit - No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tack store.
Features a selective sense of smell - Bitterly complains about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
Unmistakable in a bathing suit - She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
A dedicated club woman - as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
Has your leisure at heart - Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
A master at multiplication - She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
Keeps an eagle eye on the budget - Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but cr! oaks when you blow ten on bowling.
An Engaging conversationalist - Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.
Socially aware - Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A moving force in the family - House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
Easy to please - A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
Sentimental fool - Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were
married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
Shows her affection in unusual ways - If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.

[twinpinesmt]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....


English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass, Get in the truck

[twinpinesmt]

How To Impress A Woman


* Wine her,

* Dine her,

* Call her,

* Hug her,

* Support her,

* Hold her,

* Surprise her,

* Compliment her,

* Smile at her,

* Listen to her,

* Laugh with her,

* Cry with her,

* Romance her,

* Encourage her,

* Believe in her,

* Pray with her,

* Pray for her,

* Cuddle with her,

* Shop with her,

* Give her jewelry,

* Buy her flowers,

* Hold her hand,

* Write love letters to her,

* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.



How to impress a man:



* Show up naked …

* Bring chicken wings ...

* Bring beer.....

[twinpinesmt]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks,

When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens the door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows how to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And never attempt to hit on my friends.

Amen

Auther: Unkown