Joke a day.....

[twinpinesmt]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM
FAULT
ACTION

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward.
See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted.
The beer is too weak.
Have more beer until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Play air guitar.

[loveadriano]

heres a larry the cable guy joke i just wanna add:

I used to work as a lifeguard, but then this blue kid got me fired

haha
love it
His movie comes to theaters March 24th!
-KG-

[twinpinesmt]

Jeff Foxworth on Montana!!

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Mt.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Cutbank is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Mt.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Mt.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Mt.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Mt.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Mt.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Mt.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Mt.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE MONTANAN WHEN:

1. "Vacation" means going east or west on I-90 or Highway 2 for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

13. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

14. Down South to you means Wyoming or Nebraska.

15. A brat is something you eat.

16. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

17. You go out to a tail gate party every Friday.

18. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

19. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

20. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

21. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Mt. friends. Sad....but true!!! On the other hand, isn't it beautiful to be a Montanan!!!

[twinpinesmt]

THINGS not to say to a hot, tired farrier

- If you will just give each of the dogs a piece of hoof they will get out from under the horse and quit fighting.

- As much as you charge, I should get to use that truck too.

- If you get that done in 30 minutes, you'll be making $160. per hour.

- That's not the way they did it on that horseshoeing show.

- I see who makes all the money in horses - farriers!

- My last farrier couldn't finish - they gave me your name and number.

- You don't mind if I feed the other horses, do you?

- Are you sure you have them on the correct foot?

- If he didn't kick like that, I'd trim him myself.

- Would you mind trimming my new BLM mustang?

- Can we shoe him in the arena? If he rears in the barn, he hits his head.

- You sure earned your money on that one!

- I forgot you were coming; I just turned all the horses out.

- Can you make it after six, or on Sunday, I have to work.

- I just cannot believe that he bit you.

- I read all about the " Natural Way " to trim on the internet, and you're supposed to...

- Did that hurt?

- I know that he is difficult to shoe, but he is so good on the trails.

- It doesn't look like he's leaning from here.

- Good morning - glad you're here - can we reschedule? I have a lot going on today.

- It's so cool that he can "balance" on just two feet.

- Can you shoe him so that he doesn't paw?

- Don't tell my husband that I used the grocery money.

- Most times when he kicks, he misses!

- Just do the hinds - I'll do the the fronts.

- I left the checkbook in the car, and my wife/husband just left - can you bill me?

- I'm sure glad you don't mind working on muddy feet.

- Does it mean my horses have some sort of deficiency when they chew the paint off your truck like that?

- This horse does forge, also interferes, and sometimes hits his knees....we need to keep the price down on this bill.

- I got a bargain on these shoes at a rummage sale, could you use them instead and save me some money?

- Oops! Wrong horse.

- I know I said just a trim, but can we shoe 'em as well?

- My weanling colt needs a trim, and I figured you could halter break him at the same time.

- I've got a new horse whose feet are in pretty bad shape. The previous owners said their farrier wouldn't work on him.

- I know it's been a long day for you; that's why I saved the worst one for last.

- If my other farrier's ribs weren't broken, he'd be able to get shoes on this horse.

- It's a good thing you're slow today, or he'd have had shoes on when he kicked your truck.

- My grandpa used to shoe horses like you, only he used a sledge and a corn knife.

- I don't understand why the shoes didn't stay on. I just had them done 12 weeks ago

[twinpinesmt]

Why do men pee standing up?

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up."It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was Wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Please! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could Have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,
"Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.
"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains", said God

[twinpinesmt]

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they
aren't prepared for the anwer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.

I've known you since you were a young boy, and
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."


The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you now the defense attorney?"


She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradly since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.



The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

[twinpinesmt]

CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Tuesday!


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF COURSES,
CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS PER CLASS.

Class 1: How to Fill Ice Cube Trays
Step-by-Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Mondays and Wednesdays for 2 hours at 7:00pm.


Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll, Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks on Saturday at 12:00pm.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique of Lifting The Seat
And Avoiding Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtubs?
Group Practice Classes. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00pm until 11:00pm. Drink lots of beer before class. (Note: this class meets at Mickey's Pub on 16th Street.)


Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between Laundry Hamper And Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. On-going meetings every Saturday, 2:00pm.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes, Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Video Presentation, each Tuesday and Thursday for 45 minutes, starting at 7:30pm.


Class 6: Loss Of Identity, Losing The TV Remote To Your Significant Other
Help Line Support and On-Going Support Groups. Meetings several times everyday and five nights per week. Call for most current schedule of meetings.

Class 7: Learning How to Find Things
This class starts with lessons on how to look in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming or blaming others. Open Forum, on-going classes. Monday at 8:00pm. Two hour class.

Class 8: Health Watch Report: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights: Monday and Wednesday or Friday 7:00pm. One hour class each, Monday and Wednesday, two hour class Friday.

Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00pm, class location to be determined.


Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Tries To Parallel Park?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday 11:30am-3:30pm, or until she successfully parks.

Class 11: Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife
Online Classes and role-playing. Call for schedule of classes.

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing techniques.
Also proper techniques for holding her purse. Meet at the Mall, Saturdays 1:00pm.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy
Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates,
also Calling When You're Are Going to be Late
Students who fail this class may repeat it twice. Afterwards, if they still fail: Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies are Offered.
Three nights: Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 7:00 PM for three hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What It Is And How It Is Used
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00pm. Meet in school cafeteria.

[twinpinesmt]

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for
me...and as we all could use a little calm. By following the simple
advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all
the things I started and hadn't finished... and before leaving the
house
this morning....

I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the
Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some Valium, some
cheesecake
and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I
feel....

You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

[twinpinesmt]

>>
>> WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
>>
>> She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
>> Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
>> Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
>> Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
>> And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
>>
>>
>> WOMEN'S REVENGE
>>
>> "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
>> woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
>> I noticed a remote control for a television set in her
>>purse.
>> "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
>> "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
>> shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
>> evil thing I could do to him legally."
>>
>>
>> UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
>>
>> (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
>>
>> I know I'm not going to understand women.
>> I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax
>> pour it onto your upper thigh,
>> rip the hair out by the root,
>> and still be afraid of a spider.
>>
>>
>> MARRIAGE SEMINAR
>>
>> While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
>> communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
>> instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
>> the things that are important to each other."
>> He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
>> Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
>> whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
>> The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
>>
>>
>> CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
>>
>> A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
>> the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she
>>can
>> help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of
>> tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
>> aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
>> balls and a ball of string on the counter.
>> She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
>> some tampons for your wife?
>>
>> He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
>> my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
>> and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
>> papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
>> So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does
>>she.
>>
>> ( this guy could be the one on the milk carton! )
>>
>>
>> WIFE VS. HUSBAND
>>
>> A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
>> not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
>> argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
>> position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
>> and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
>> "Relatives of yours?"
>> "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
>>
>>
>> WORDS
>>
>> A husband read an article to his wife about how many
>> words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
>> The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
>> have to repeat everything to men...
>> The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
>>
>> CREATION
>>
>> A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
>> can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
>> " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
>> me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
>> God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
>>
>>
>> WHO DOES WHAT
>>
>> A man and his wife were having an argument about who
>> should brew the coffee each morning.
>> The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
>> first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
>>coffee."
>>
>> The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
>> around here and you should do it, because that is your
>> job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
>> Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
>> is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
>>
>> Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
>> So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
>> Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
>> that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
>>
>> PASS THESE ALONG.
>>
>> Live well, Love much, Laugh often

[twinpinesmt]

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom
is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?
8 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?
13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on..........
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks
his head out the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?
18. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the
first place?

[twinpinesmt]

Key to a happy marriage

Hummmmmmmmm!!!!!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple." A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice. " We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment we have lived happily ever after."

[twinpinesmt]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in

8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please

allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.



God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next

morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,

Drove them to school, came home and picked up

the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,

do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with

them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,

Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.



At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,

breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded

laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted

and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was

expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,

Lord,

I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being

able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned

your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year!!!

[twinpinesmt]

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."

[twinpinesmt]

A driver did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car"

[twinpinesmt]

GOOD OLE COUNTRY WISDOM

1. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

2. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

3. Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

4. Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

5. A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

6. Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

7. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

8. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

9. Meanness don't happen overnight.

10. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

11. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

12. Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

13. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

14. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

15. Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat.

16. Don't corner something meaner than you.

17. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

18. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

19. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

20. Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

21. You can't unsay a cruel thing.

22. Every path has some puddles.

23. Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

24. The best sermons are lived, not preached.

25. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

26. The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move: You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie, in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.